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Hello…

…to anyone who ever feels like there is nobody else who agrees with you. Sure, we all keep a facade for our colleagues, family, even friends and loved ones, but sometimes, we think differently than they do.

That’s why I decided to start this blog. For every person who thinks differently than society tells you to. For everyone who would like to speak up but is afraid to be judged or silenced. These opinions are not all about self love, acceptance and peace. Some of them are just the brutal reality we live in, but that does not make them less valid. Reality is here and it is not what we want it to be, but that’s okay. That is why we can share our opinions, ideas and wisdoms. Without being judged by the outside world and being protected by the power of internet.

For the first time, you have the opportunity to read what an ordinary person thinks about the world. Politics, relationships, friendships etc. It is all part of our lives and sugarcoating the fuck out of it won’t help any of us.

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Sex cam scam??

Okay, so, it’s a chilled Easter Friday and I am calmly doing my work in my kitchen. Suddenly, I get an email, looks foreign. All the letters look asian, so I don’t worry about it too much, might be some stupid scam or a bad address. Cannot believe how wrong I am…

Before I start, I did not get my closure on this yet so keep your fingers crossed for me. However, I strongly feel this is all a scam and I do not get into any trouble. I received this email, that was all in Chinese and out of pure curiosity I translated. I usually dont do stuff like this, really, but somehow I was intrigued. When I pressed the translate button, I could not believe what I was seeing.

These people apparently got pictures and videos of me masturbating and they will send it to all my contacts if I don’t pay them bitcoin money. Alright, so, let’s get the elephant from the room. Yes I don’t have this stupid sticker in front of my camera that prevents perverts to creep on me. Yes, I do watch movies online sometimes that redirect me to some weird porn site, yes, I do masturbate, yes I do sometimes with my computer being on. But can it be true?

Whether or not, I believe preying on humans like this is disgusting. We all do stuff we shouldnt, like masturbate in front of the camera. We all watched porn in our lives. Imagine now receiving an email like I did. First thought is always that it is a scam. But what if not? I have two days. Not that kind of money to spend. What to do?

I am a woman of very low morals, trust me, I am capable of doing a lot for money. But this? Making an individual scared that their entire FB platform will see them masturbating? That is just pure evil. Worse to me than stealing candy from a toddler. Since when did we humans became this mean? Can this ruin our lives? For bitcoin? Isn’t that a dead currency anyway? Seriously, please, stop making people feel guilty about porn and masturbating and nudity. This blackmail only further shows we are not ready to embrace our true selfs.

Why being in your 20’s is the worst

So, you are 17, cannot wait to turn 18 so you can finally start doing everything you have been doing since you were 15 but legally this time. You turn 18, realise life is not such a party, you just don’t have to lie to the lady in the corner store that you forgot your ID at home anymore. But then you get to 20, you expect wonders, it is the second decade of your life. However, what you don’t expect is that you just begin questioning your life more.

I hit my twenties and hardly noticed any change. Until I was approaching 22, when I talked about my parents and me, saying I am a child just felt horribly wrong. I am not a child anymore, I am bloody 22. My parents were married by that age. Like wtf, what do I do, I cannot even dress weather appropriately. So you decide, this is it, let’s stop fucking around, we doing this. You become an adult. Start doing your laundry on time, going to bed early and dress smartly. But then it hits you, you want to have fun.

Everyone around you is having a blast. And by having a blast, I mean, going to bed after midnight. Which I am sorry to say but definitely does mean a big blast to me, I need my 8hs of sleep minimum. So you feel left out and you join your friends. You start going to the pub with them, you stay up till 2am to watch GoT that you don’t even really care about (staying up that late was sooo hard) and you smack on concealer after 4hours of sleep. You get by that day, overdose on coffee and will crash around 4pm, resulting in going to bed at 10pm cos you legit cannot make it any longer.

Now you feel bad. Your sleeping schedule is disturbed, your hair smells like pub food, your clothes are wrinkly somewhere on the sofa as you were not bothered to do the extra step and chug them into the closet. So you decide to get back on the adult train, you drink a green juice, you do your work, you wash your hair (and brush it too!). You must be feeling better. So proud of yourself, you can do this adult thing. But now it’s 9pm, you are working on your assignment in the kitchen and suddenly your friend wants to go to the pub. What do you do? You get sick of this life and go to the pub.

See? That is the never ending circle. Cos when you are 18 or younger, you do the crazy stuff without feeling too guilty about it, why would you, you are young, even still a child. When you are 30, you have a stable job, even a kid, maybe you are married. So you settled your crazy ovaries and now you ready to live like adults. But being 22? Not feeling it, Tay Tay. It properly sucks. You really want to be good and successful but you also really need to go wild and crazy. I guess that us 20 year olds we have to try and keep the two in a healthy mix. It is more complicated than anything but if we don’t, we lose our minds and our health.

To be popular or to be successful?

I know I made this as such a strange choice, but hear me out. Some people manage both of these very well and tbh all the power to you. It is really necessary to find the right group of friends and then you can have both, but truly, most of the time it isn’t the case.

An example of what I am on about. Last year, I meal prepped healthy shit every single Monday, the identical healthy lunch. I went for a weekly shop, every Sunday, went gym on specifically chosen days, wore a skirt only when I didn’t go to the gym etc. My life was so lined, I ate, showered, cleaned and almost even pissed at the same time every single day. My laundry was done, my room was clean and I was keeping myself in this bubble that I created to stay sane. I went out probably twice? Hardly drank alcohol, didn’t do any crazy stupid stuff. But that’s it. I know that sounds like a normal 9 to 5 person’s life but come on, almost zero social contact makes you go crazy.

Now I live with 8 other people, do my laundry when I have no clean clothes, wake up early but chill in bed. Go to bed real late, go drinking with my friends, sometimes I am just reckless, screaming and singing on top of my lungs. And guess what? I sometimes miss how organised I was. That I can do both? Well it gets slightly difficult to wake up full on sunshine when you drank loads of wine the night before and went to bed so late you don’t even remember. Be productive, be alert, absolutely impossible to do. At least for me.

The only middle ground is to find friends who share your interests and if thats the case for you, it must be amazing. My friends share my interests, but I never met someone who would be just like me. Hardworking but reckless, clean and shooting for the stars but can also down a beer if someone bets me. Wakes up early but goes to bed late. People are either one or the other, we are hardly a thing.

I always knew that I had to choose. A cool life or a successful life. It’s like choosing who you are going to be for the rest of your life. Some days it is so easy, other days it is the worst thing to think about. Half of me wants to be reckless, drink till the morning, dance and not giving a single fuck. Other half just wants to eat veggies and be a decent wife making cookies. You always have to choose the one you think will benefit you the most, which for me is the clean and healthy girl. But I am afraid that I might miss this recklessness, this part of me that had fun and people told stories about her. What if I never get to be her again, just for a moment?

Be alert, be fun, be focused, be determined, be social, be full of life, be happy, be excited. How can I be all these things at the same time? How can I be fun when I have to be focused? How can I be happy if I have to be alert? Life is a constant sacrifice but it is needed to know why you performing this sacrifice.

How gym helps with my mental health

So, today I found myself in one of those states. There is 7465768 things happening, nothing you can do about either of them and you just feel like either running for three hours straight until you outrun these problems, or jump in front of some fancy car to just be bloody done. I could hardly text my partner or my friends. I was so shut. I took my own advice and i froze my emotions, but to the point, where I could not think about anything but my heart beating.

So what to do now? I decided to (very lazily) go to the gym. I love the gym, don’t get me wrong, but when it’s pissing rain outside and it is so cold, you question whether it’s April or January, you just wanna curl up and watch TV. But I didn’t, I gained some fat recently so I better get my ass there. Before I went, I felt like I will jump out of my skin. My bag falling from my shoulder irritated me, the rain getting on my knees pissed me off and the constant vibrating of my phone has made me restless.

I put everything off, I turned on some badass music and stepped into the full gym hall. Classic, all the dumb men and women giving me looks about how dare I even enter this place, me, who doesn’t look like she can lift a finger. I ignore it, and I always do. I just put music on and start lifting. The great thing about lifting is that it takes away your physical energy. SO? SO you cannot be angry, cos you are exhausted to fuck. As I keep on going, I feel like every problem in my life just runs away, melts into the bar or a dumbbell, leaves my body. It is just me and my weights.

Although there is so many people staring at me, I don’t care. I see my reflection in the mirror and I stop for a while. What am I thinking, look at my belly fat, disgusting. But then I look around me, people with worse belly fats. So this is it my friends. Feel the problems melt away into those bars, feel the hateful energy leave your body.

I promise, nothing can put me back on my feet. Nothing calms me down as hitting a PR, doing a chin up or anything of that sort. Seeing that I am strong enough to lift this or lift myself, I can lift myself irl too, right? So, friends, next time you cannot lift yourself emotionally, lift yourself physically. Cos the second you do that, you feel like you can do anything. And that’s so important. Therefore, gym is the new item on my self medicating list. Cannot lift this pressure of my mental health? Sure as fuck can lift this bar, bitch.

Why is 2019 so far so shit?

SO, I don’t have an answer to this one, but I’m sure someone can relate. New year, new you, or maybe let’s start in February, January was a trial month. Actually, fuck these two months, March is gonna be my month. Was it really? No. April? Maybe. But it’s most likely that that won’t happen. So why is 2019 the new 2016?

I have been wondering, why is there so much shit happening in my life. Family, relationship, friendships, uni life, literally anything else. Why is it going from 100 to -15 in legit a week. Some people say Mercury in retrograde, but is it really? Might not even be due to planets. I mean how does the planet far away from us influence that some douche in a club jumped on my toe and broke it? If so, I want my money back.

I have been so far hit from every direction possible. Even my health fucked off for good month. I am behind my work, I almost lost my relationship and friendships, my family is acting up so bad I would have to write a five page essay to even cope. But is it just my unfortunate soul being tortured like this? No way. I keep talking to many of my friends, 2019 is being either total shit or at least definitely nothing amazing.

And trust me, I tried to get better. Not to think, self medicate (as always, fellas), but also healthier methods, like not to feel. I stopped my emotions, turned into stone. Texted my partner and friends heart emojis without moving a face muscle. Did this help? Yes, 100% recommend, but then you just feel like being put into a freezer. Great anti wrinkle procedure tho, Dior skincare will be useless after pulling this off.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is, if you are having a crappy time and keep counting which month is gonna be the start up month, just give up, but you are not alone. We can all try to cope, it’s not us fuckin up this time (rare, I know). But there is no need to feel like you are alone in this. So many people go through this fuckin year so depressed. I guess it’s just up to us now to just stay strong. DO whatever it takes not to break. Doesn’t matter how. Just do it and wait. Go through your day, but stop crying and breaking down. Turn yourself into this heartless warrior, because that’s what you need to be. There is no time for damsels in distress. We are not them now. We became our own knights and now we pick ourselves up.

Elite universities, dumb kids

I never went to a posh university full of rich people, so it has been quite surprising to me when I found myself in one and felt that I might as well get suffocated by douche-ness.

My partner has always been the smart one, going to smart universities. I went to university too, but mine was full of ket heads and pink haired girls. So when I found myself waiting for him at his university while he was in class, I was quite stoked. I expected that I will just sit down and do my dissertation work like everyone else does at uni, no? Well, not only I received strange looks from everyone when I did not open an excel file or a business textbook, but when I actually did work alone, they stared like they just saw an alien.

I am aware it is fairly common doing work with your mates, but these people whip out their expensive ass devices, fuckloads of textbooks, their expensive phone and purse land on your arm, even though you have been sitting in that spot first. Then it starts, nonstop chatting shit. Don’t get me wrong, other uni people do this too, but I have never seen such entitlement in students. When they finally start doing their uni work, they look at you like they should receive a fuckin medal.

The biggest problem with this rich kid culture is that they all know that no matter how they do, their parents will finance their entire living. We reached an era where elite universities are for the rich and not for the smart. Smart kids who cannot afford things can end up at places that are not as good and therefore, getting worse job than these rich knobheads. The dude opposite me just licked foam off his coffee cup so hard I wanted to choke. Other guy couldn’t even say a polite word in english. Girl next to me is spreading so close to me i might as well be squeezed to the wall.

I am not saying all rich kids are rude assholes, but looking at these entitled rich students, it is really hard for me to think otherwise. We are all at uni to learn, get a good job and try not to come out scarred for life. And I know money enables you to act like an ass, my dad certainly lives by this rule, but just because it does, does not mean you should act like one.

You are all alone at the end

Scary, right? If that’s news for you, friend, it’s okay, you will deal with it sooner than oyu think. But if you knew, for how long?

I think I realised this when I was a kid but never wanted to admit it to myself. My parents never really took interests in me. My mother till today doesn’t know which plane I am taking or which city I want to live after University. Other time, my dad texted me for my bday a month earlier, I was still his only child back then.

But when you are young you don’t realise. You think that’s ok, I am still a child, I will be fine. But mate you so are not. Your parents decide when they wanna stop caring about you. And then? Fuck all you can do.

I was lucky, I found a smart man, he helped me so much. Without him I would have ended up in such a bad place. He helped with guiding me. My mum only shown me how to throw yourself onto another man and let him do the job. My dad was never even present, really. But the main point is, this man can leave. My family left, he can too. Friends won’t solve your problems.

So at the end my friend, you are totally alone. BUT, that does not have to be a bad thing. It might be exactly what you need to realise to get up and do shit. I know how hard it is to be in a mess alone, people comforting you with words but not with actions. I know how it feels to be there just on your own. It hurts so much you want to burst. Trust me, no matter how much it does, you are stronger than any of it. Take it as an opportunity to show that you alone are so worth it!