No, I am feeling that it is not. I am shaking about how it will all go. Shaved my legs just in case ngl…

I spent majority of the day catering to my mother and my thesis. Time is ticking, with everything. I still have no job, thesis is not done and my mother is still…well…my mother. The life I planned for myself this summer feels far from real. It is insane to think how easy can the one thing you thought will be solid, become gas.

I am still in love deeply with him, I am sure he knows. I can see that if we take our “supposed” issues out the way, we have a pretty funny time, even now. All I want tomorrow to be is a discussion between two grown ups, who love each other deeply, and had a rough patch. They can understand that they are not perfect, but being perfect is not reality. BUT, we are the closest to perfection. And that together, they are much stronger than alone.

What is important to understand is that just because our supposed “friends” have a “more relaxed” relationship does NOT mean they are having a better, funnier time. It means that they have a different relationship. They set different rules, different perceptions and different predictions. And foremost, those people are immature cunts. Sorry, but it is true. And he used to see that. Hope he sees that too, again.

There is nothing I want more than the man I knew. Spend time with him, which is the smallest of requests, have a fun time, and sail this ship of craziness in the world. Because together, the world is less cruel.

My views recently got really high from countries this should not even be seen. So I was slightly freaking out that people who use to diss me or just people I went to MA with are seeing this too. Some real vulnerable shit on here and not EVERYBODY has to see it.

Anyway, today is quite hard, mostly because it is the last day when I am stuck in the unclear. But also I am seeing so many things and feeling so many things I want to share with him. To have a laugh or just to share with the person who understands you. For four years, we have been each other’s beacon of hope in the dark sea of western education. We felt the same, had the same opinions, experienced the same frustrations. And there is no bond stronger than this, than having the same experiences and being there for each other. We knew that whenever one person says something, we could relate.

And that is what I fear, losing this ability to relate to you, to understand exactly what you mean. If we go our separate ways, who will understand us? Friends nod heads and say “feel ya” when they cannot possibly do so. Parents say they had it worse. Who else can know what you been through and know exactly how it feels?

The days when we could just look at one another without a word needing to be said. And this is not some ancient history. The current happy moments we had were even more special, because they were even more scarce. When I got out of quarantine and he took my hand outside my house, I felt like it was not even real. Looking back at those moments, it is true that they were fuelled mostly by me. I was the one fuelling the notion of being grateful for what we have. But he agreed. And I always attributed his moodiness to exams or parents.

Our life together has been through so many tests and we stood them all. I am not planning to give up because of rookies like “poor timing” or “now or never”. He said we are too different. We used to be, but now, we are very, very similar. More than ever. Same opinions, same taste, same traits. We both have trouble being understood, and that is why our bond is so special. And for me personally, to have someone in this insane world to understand you is a gift you don’t yeet away

Absolutely fucking not, first of all. Although I loathe this feeling of unclarity, I cannot come across the concept of this being done, forever…

Perhaps yesterday’s image sharing and overall mood put me into the feeling that love might win over reason. I am very unsure of that today. As if the love just left, disappeared. I hope I am wrong and it is not the case, he did say, it is not complicated, so maybe it will not.

If someone tells you they do not want to be with you anymore, and you know they cannot be right, what can you do? Really, not much. But I will do, and I will do everything possible to not let this happen… It is not because I want some damn holiday, it is not because I am lazy to date again. It is purely because I love and I do not see a reason for this. Because I put my heart into making this close to perfect. Sure, we were not, but for people our age, our disadvantages and our environment? We should be in the hall of fame for relationships. We were everything. And I am scared that the promise of “freedom” not to “put up” with hardships (even though he is putting with shit from people he should not be putting up with) will overthrow any emotion he had for me. That the possible problem of a future will ruin the present. Relationships should not be planned ahead in this sense. Let’s break up cos you know next year we might not be happy…hell no.

So, I am genuinely just scared. Scared that the man I loved and crossed rivers for, does not feel the same about me. More so, that this man is no longer here. Because this one I do not recognise. The worst thing is, that time will tell. Only time. And then, the decision will be final. For good. And that scares me. Because I do not want an “over for good”. And I am pretty sure neither of us can deal now with “forever for good”. I think we both wanted to just be, be together, have a good time. Which is what we were doing. Which is what I want to keep doing. Because, after all the crap we stayed together through, we owe it to each other… We owe it to ourselves, to be happy, not picky about stuff that could be better, but for once, truly appreciate what we have. And what I have, is love for this man.

Grieving is exhausting. Holding it together is even more exhausting. I don’t remember the last time I was tired at 1pm…

I still got no response about how it will all go tomorrow. It is customary to let the person know. If I hear another parents excuse…idk, might also be a sign. Or maybe a relationship in shambles will be put before gardening or friends tax fraud business. It used to be…

Anyway, what I was really thinking about today, even though I tried not to, is the notion of happiness. We are not meant to be happy 24/7, we are meant to find snippets of moments during the day, sometimes a week, where we can say, we feel happy. Nobody owes us happiness, one can only be a contribution of one’s happiness. One is not responsible for a happy relationship, both are, both people contribute equally.

Life has that in common. Everyone is quite used to being “not happy” all day everyday. Would you throw yourself off a building, if you were sitting amd waiting for happiness and it would not ring by your door? I don’t think so. If a toddler has a toy he deems broken, he yeets it across the room, yelling it is broken. Then the adults come and put in new batteries. Not a new toy. They don’t throw it to the bin just cos batteries are dead. See where I am going with this? Maybe only the rich, superficial people might, they do not need to concern themselves with reparations. But I guess not many of those are there. Metaphors metaphors. Got quite a few ones in my sleeve. And it is what it is.

So what I would probably just wished he would do is think. Not about in how many ways something sucks, but in how many ways would his life suck if this wasn’t in it. Think positives for once. This should be though through. Just as I said yesterday with the chicken metaphor. “Everything is fine, everything is fine, i LOVE this….also no it is not I changed my mind in 2 days, this is beyond disgusting”.

Relationships are a hard ass work. You have to work, constantly, just like in life. You put in 180% and get like 110% back if you are lucky. WITH EVERYTHING IN LIFE. I would think that person who is capable of putting so much work into himself would understand that other areas in your life need the same amount of work. I just hope tomorrow will be better, clearer, and if I am lucky….well, you know

Of course I am angry and frustrated. When was the last time your perfect little life got blown up to an absolute start? When was the last time you were excited like a small child to go to the bloody fair and your mommy said no? It makes one bloody angry..

Frustration? That comes from non clarity. If stuff is unclear and people do not understand, they are frustrated. One of the parts of being human. I was FED information about how BLESSED we were. How HAPPY he was. How many times I asked..”are you happy?”…and he, without hesitation, said yes. How many times? This creates frustration. Being fed information about how you are doing SO WELL, how WE should be so lucky and happy. Of course you felt some seismic waves going on, it has been 6 years, for gods sake! But you knew, after his exams are done, summer and care free-ness begins. HE KNEW. Our lives have been messier than they should have been. We chose the hardest path for kids our age. But we knew we were on it, we were seeing the end.

My father was a hypocrite, never told my mum how annoying she was, so he cheated. Ass move but move. But my mother never asked. She never considered her man might exist for smthn else than her. I did consider that. I treated him as an equal. I asked, frequently, offered compromises, I tried to feel the other person as much as my personality allowed me. So, I DONT BLOODY GET why in ANY of those conversations I started, couldnt a word be said about misery, unhappiness, things THAT NEED TO CHANGE. To use a metaphor, would you not be frustrated, if you heard that your chicken has been fantastic, but then the customer leaves without paying, only a note on the table, that it was garbage? This is the same. COMMUNICATION IS KEY. AND I WAS THE FUCKER WHO MADE COMMUNICATION EASIER AND EVERYDAY BREAD.

But, if people could READ carefully, they would see the immense ass pain I am in. THE HOPE I WAS HOLDING ONTO. SO YES you know how I feel. I am broken, sad, depressed, miserable, in intense pain EVERY DAY. I do not understand how many times this has to be said. I said it before, how I am hoping for the vacation not to be cancelled, for the holiday to still happen. I said how incredible the pain feels…how my chest is literally imploding. What else do you want to hear? How miserable he made me? How unexpected this was? How hard will it be to move on? COS IT WILL.

I don’t believe in faith, in destiny, or other nonsense. I do not believe in “reason” when it comes to love. And I do not think anybody should. Because love is about how you FEEL when you are wit the other person. It is not a dumbass mortgage refinancing. Is what you have inside. It is how the other person makes you laugh, how they make your day, how they try to get your attention. Not if your surroundings or your reason says they are adequate. Love is yours, personal, and should be only decided by the rawest part of us. You cannot plan it, you cannot brace for it. Love is the little voice in your head that says YES when everything else says NO. But who am I to explain this to people. If you are afraid to love, because in the future it might prove inadequate to your plans, you are not in for much of a treat i think.

I won’t say I did not do stupid shit in my time. I did. And I think everyone did. But what ANNOYS me to absolute oblivion, is when someone is in charge of their own destiny and say “it is not that simple”. EXCUSE ME? it is your life and how simple you make it is up to YOU and YOU ONLY.

I cannot stress enough how sick and tired I am of that excuse. It is OUR life. You told me that. How our parents complicate their lives like that. And now you do…Why? I wonder if you even know…

I aim for a simple life. No games, no playing. It does not interest me. It is a waste of time. Why would you play a game with the closest person in your life? It makes me explode with misunderstanding.

I offered my love and my deepest feelings on a silver platter. Did you? I shown the most broken and vulnerable side I have. I did not know I will ever have to. It does not appear as enough.

Taking others to places I wanted to go with you sooo badly? Lame. Glad to see you make the time for others, suddenly parents or other nonsense aint an issue.

Why should I even get angry. I am indeed very tired of games. And plan to resolve this once and for all

The nightmares are the worst. A dream so despicable I don’t even want to share it. BUT. At least I had it before, it was not new. The theme is the same, it was even the same plot, the same place…happy or depressed. Looks like that issue has been nagging me since, well, between 6 years ago and 3 weeks ago. Anyway, there might be a change on the horizon.

I will not fall for it just yet and I know I have to wait but it appears as if though the monster I have painted in my head has decreased its size. The subtle hints, is it genuine, or just to please me? Give me hope and then crush me? How can I know…EASY, YOU WAIT.

But I am tired of waiting. I know I have not waited nearly long enough. BUT the silence is what makes the waiting seem endless. I used to go through days like they were disposable cotton, just to get into a place in my life I was looking forward to. And I am sick of that mentality. I am sick of filling my days with nonsenses, waiting for the one miracle. I enjoy living in the moment. I used to always praise the moments. But how can you live in the moment, when you have to wait??

I celebrated each day since I got back when we could be together. Sometimes the plans and the mood were not what I was looking for, and I admit, due to some alcohol and my bottled up anger, I did not react appropriately. That is why it is so important to try and share things in calm and quiet. But then again, some people reject the idea and stay silent and then dump you, so you never know.

But anyway, I cherished the small amounts of happiness sprinkled from these days. That is how life should be. And although I was constantly waiting for his side of people and deadlines to stop ruining our time together, this wait had an end. You could see the end. And when it came, instead of finally blossoming into the magnificent part of a care free summer love, a different, pointless, heartbreaking end came…

Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope fills your head, and worse, your heart. Hope dies last. That is why I still have it. Of course. That is why I cling to those tiny little expressions of love.

He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves… As if I could know..

I had a strange feeling today he blasted me in front of all his drunken “friends” and made fun of me, the whole day. I hope that was just my stupid mind wandering around.

I did not feel better, I feel occupied. Everytime I see smthn funny, I want to hit him up. But he made himself clear. He knows how pathetically easy it is to stop this nonsense. Still, he will not do it. Ruin both our summers, or maybe just mine, but still.

Imagine dropping someone who is good for you, without thinking (when people think about breakups and i mean for long, the don’t slap your ass and kiss your face 20 minutes before breakup. If they do, that is sociopathy), and then knowing how EASY it is to get it all back. AND STILL DON’T…

How long will I take? It has been two days but the uncertainty and pain is killing me every second of the day. Did i deserve this? For last year, yes, for those months, yes. But now? No. I did not. It is almost hilarious to think what one person on one bad day can do.

You cannot help but wonder if his dumb ass friend said he wants to go for a great summer and your man just dumped you. You cannot help but wonder if his parents have been moody lately and you just became inconvinient. You cannot help but wonder…

Does he?

Admit it to yourself. When you left the gym, when you left your house, you think he will be there. Just standing. No words would need to be said. You know that. That gesture alone, as you always wanted, would be worth a thousand words.

You noticed the money. But you still have hope. Maybe your dream summer with your dream man is still here. But you are waiting, for a sign perhaps. A sign that says you are not crazy. Despite it all. You hope. Because you did the same. You messed up and took it right back. Will he?

In the meantime, you think. You think about not thinking. ALL THE TIME. If you had to tell another soul, your eyes would turn so puffy you would not see. So much waiting. And did you think now will be the time to be happy. And a break up sized truck hits you. No happiness for you you cunt. Oh how hard is it to eliminate your playlist, your watch list, your surroundings. Anything that resembles romance. Block it. You cannot stand it. So is it denial? And are you still waiting?

How long till you stop waiting? How long till waiting will be a tall tale you once told?